Words/Music/Emotions

Words are funny things.

Its foolish to try to attach a word to an emotion, I do believe there are more emotions than there are words for.

Such a big feeling has to be channel through doorways, options of words. Narrowing it down, and through each level, degrading the real meaning.

We can try to explain it in words, but everyone has their own meaning for the words. It doesn't matter what the dictionary defines them as. Everyone has a sort of connection, they attach to what a word really means to them. They wont get the real message you wanted to get across, only a reflection of themselves. Their reality.

So what do we resort to?

Music.

Here we are, human, breathing, feeling and we cant express ourselves just as ourselves. We have to go making wooden contraptions with wires tuned to sounds selected to sound nice. We have to make an arrangement of notes. Notes that follow along the lines of what we really want to express. Major, Minor, happy and sad. Its so fascinating how just three notes played together can give a sad or happy emotion.

But still, it doesn't fully do it. It comes very close, but there is still something left that's not being said, not being shown, boiling inside of you.

Lyrics help, it helps narrow down the channel the emotion is on for understanding. But when it comes down to it, they are just words.

Too late

Here is my life. I'm living a fucking movie and I'm a damn good actor. I'm playing a sweet innocent happy character, but inside, I'm miserable. I'm hurting but I don't let it show. I try to stay above it all.

I try, don't ever tell me I didn't fucking try. I try all the time to be the person you so easily could be.

You let me in on a little peek of happiness. Just a little glimpse and it was like nothing I could ever dream of. Real happiness and joy, carelessness, and love are somethings that leave an imprint on you. You can cover it up, but it will always be there reminding you how things could be. How they should always be.

You showed me, then you took it all away.

You left me to learn my own lessons. Lessons you were teaching, that I could have been a part of it. I just stayed where I was while you left for better things. Once at the same level, you grew into something beautiful. Something, I fear I will never become. I will never be seen. I watched you leave, live life and become true.

Its been surprisingly easy to forget about it, all these years. Years wasted and spent doing stupid things. No purpose, no reason for anything. Just wasted time.

Now I'm afraid its too late.

Today I decided to buy a fly swatter.

My thought process was this:
I would love to go around my house all day, swatting flies here and there, but then I had to consider that after I swatted them, they would just be dead fly sitting there. I had to go around picking them up after.

Then I started to think.

I thought it funny to consider flies even alive in the first place. Buzzing around all day with no purpose. What can you accomplish in the lifespan of 24 hours? that isn't much of a life. There really wasn't a terrible difference between a dead fly and a fly alive, other than the flying. What a pointless life it is.

And then I looked around my house and took a look at my life. I took a look at everyone else. Their life's, their friends, their jobs, their accomplishments. That's when realized I was just a fly.

It's sad

I don't remember the last time I had a really good time, I mean really good. Of course, I can remember a few decent times, just content with life. But I don't remember the last time I had a lot of fun. I guess you could call me dull.


Hi I'm dull, I'm not someone you would want to get along with.

I remember when I was a child I used to have friends. Friends that would make me feel better when I was down. Friends I could cheer up.

That's another thing, I'm not funny.

I used to be funny, but somehow over the years, it slowly dwindled into simply, witty remarks.

I guess you could blame it on my friends. To me, I wouldn't exactly even call them friends. they're more of, people-who-you-grew-up-with-so-you-know-them-pretty-well-and-have-had-a-history-of-having-a-good-time-together-but-don't-really-know-you-or-your-idea-of-a-friendship kind of people.

I'm too much of a fail to make new friends. Close friends, that is. I have learned that everyone I would really want to get to know and make part of my life, don't have any interest in me. I hate clingy unwanted people so lately I have just been withdrawing almost completely. Music helps when I'm feeling lonely. I understand it more than a lot of things in life.

Sometimes, from some unknown source, I feel this sudden surge of inspiration to be interesting. To be me. But I usually channel that feeling into something I actually know how to do. Art, writing or music.

That's another problem about me, I don't know how to be me. I don't even know who me is. Its like, I see who I could be. I see who I wish I could be, but there are so many stops. So many things not letting me be real. Its so damn hard being this way.